Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
