There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I just found puke in my bra..
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
