I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
