I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
