I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
