Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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