I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
