I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
