Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize