Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
