nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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