based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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