Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Welp...herpes.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
