The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
