well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
