Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
