i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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