At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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