saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
