i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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