Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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