it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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