doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
