so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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