I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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