How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
