I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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