people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
