Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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