Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
