She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
