Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
