i jhust puked up my retainher.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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