You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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