I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
