Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
