did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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