One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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