im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
