just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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