I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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