Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
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