last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
