They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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