I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
