I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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