he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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