I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize