The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
