and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
