Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize