Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
So much rum. So many feels.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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