is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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