The maid of honor just puked.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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